These are all completely serious. Please do not try to find any humor in our absolutely serious, noncomical, practical ideas.

Economic reasons to pollute:

Stimulating the economy: throwing trash on the ground creates jobs because somebody has to be paid to pick it up.

It will put a stop to overflowing landfills by distributing trash evenly.

It will promote space travel because our world will be too dirty to live on.

We waste a shitload of plastic and metal building garbage cans. This material could be put to better use building guns and cars, and six-pack rings to kill fish for food.

Roads are in dire need of repair all over the nation, and especially in Austin. If everyone does their part and throws their trash in the streets, eventually litter will be run over so many times that it becomes a sort of flat paste that will naturally flow to the low points in the road: namely potholes. Save $$$ on street repair.

Does anyone like the elderly? Hell no. They're a drain on our economy, especially with the high cost of nursing homes and the terrible disarray of Social Security, later on in life we'll all be paying the bills for our parents' survival. Although over the long run the "harmful" effects of pollution will improve our species, in the short term, the weak (namely: the old) will not be able to adapt as quickly as the stronger youths. So if we all do our part to help end the clean state of our environment, hopefully our parents will die quickly, long before they'll ever need a nursing home, and we can all save some money later in life.

Social reasons to do harm to the planet:

"Who here is Christian? Haven't you always wondered what it would be like to talk to your Savior?" The second coming of Christ will probably be brought about sooner if we can start our own little "people's apocalypse" by killing off mass numbers of animals and producing mutant people.

Also on an apocalyptic note: God said he wasn't going to send a flood again, but the next time he decides to punish the human race on a world-wide scale, the Neo-Noah won't have nearly as much work to do organizing animals if a lot more species are extinct by then.

Friedrich Nietzsche said that "that which does not kill us makes us stronger," and who are we to argue with a famous philosopher? By submitting ourselves to toxic waste, we will be forced to evolve or die, therefore rapidly bringing about the evolution of the ubermensch.

A lot of wars have been fought over regional conflicts. Everybody needs his or her own land, and there's only so much to go around. If we can start dumping trash into the oceans at a higher rate, eventually porous trash will begin to soak up all the water. This is a long-term goal, but hopefully over hundreds of years, the trash level would be higher than the water level, and we would have spongy land bridges between continents. And if everybody continues to do his or her part generations down the line, we would eventually have nothing but one big-ass world-encompassing continent, which I call "TrashiPangea". Just think of the huge benefits... No drowning accidents if there's no water. Not only would there no longer be over-population b/c we'd all have more than enough room, but it would promote brotherly love between all the people of the world if we all lived on the same continent.

On the note of worldwide equality, think of this: what is the worst problem in the entire history of mankind? I think that it's racism. Now think about this: movies and comic books have taught us that radiation makes people, plants, and animals turn different colors, usually some sort of glowing green. If all the people of the world lost their original skin color and all become an eye-pleasing neon green, it would put an instant stop to racism of any sort.

Other reasons to rape mother nature

Mutant animals are great. "if TV, comic books, and movies have taught us anything, radioactive waste makes animals larger, smarter, and a helluva lot cooler. Think how great it would be to be able to hang out with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or to fight crime with the Toxic Avenger."

We all know that the biggest threat to survival is competition for scarce resources. If all the animals are dead, things will be a lot easier for us as a species.

Air pollution causes pretty sunsets.

Guest Experts came and told us about these things:

Everyone knows about the holes in the ozone layer. Air pollution will patch up those holes with what I like to call "the filth layer".

There was a guest testimonial from someone whose parents were killed by a flock of angry spotted owls, and all he could do was look on, becasue it is illegal to kill them.

A lot of our medicine is derived from plants, molds, and bacteria. The examples of penicillin and aspirin come readily to mind. Of course, it's costly to synthesize these materials. Bacteria, molds, and fungus grow much better in trash than they do in the wild. So it would be much cheaper and easier to reap the benefits of these organisms if we could just grow them in big-ass landfills instead of having to go out and find them.

On a related note, bacteria has another great use. Roughly 2/3 of the oxygen we breath comes from bacteria and algae containing chlorophyll. If we have huge trash-farms and allow these organisms to grow, we could have a virtually endless supply of oxygen.

Plants need carbon dioxide to grow and make sugar and oxygen. Carbon MONoxide is probably even better for them, so people should smoke as much as possible, and try to blow the smoke at plants, or smoke in the forrest.

We all know that the rainforests of the world hold many millions of wonders that have never been seen by human eyes; beautiful flowers, graceful animals, and many scientists think that we can find a cure for many diseases in some of the plants located there. The only problem is that the whole damn rainforrest is down there hiding it all. So what we need to do is advance our de-forestation efforts in order to more quickly locate these marvels of nature. What the hell good are they to us if we can't get to them?