Rite of Passage
October 3rd, 2001
Are you a man, or a mouse? [squeek! -ed.] If you're like most Americans, you're unsure of that answer, at best. And that is because for whatever reason, there is no official established rite of passage into adulthood within American society. Oh, of course jokes can be made about sexual encounters in the backs of cars, the hell of war, or paying taxes, but the fact of the matter is, for most of us, there's always this nagging sensation that we're just kids playing at being adults.
Well, I'm here to tell you that I, and literally scores of others like me no longer have to worry. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are men (or women), and believe you me, we sleep the better for it. How did we accomplish this? Take a gander:
That's right. We got buttons. But that's just the culmination of an elaborate ritual that lasted for one day (and one day only) wherein anyone who wanted to could try to become a man or woman.
The skinny:
We had a ceremony (with amplified sound) and offered passerbies the chance (offer void in Utah) to become a man or a woman. To do so, they had to either pass the mental challenge (Christmas Trivia cards), the physical challenge (jumping over a mountain of rice, safely contained in a small plastic bucket), or doing both. Most chose both.
After completing this task, they had to walk the gauntlet (hek-tor the destroyer and penelope beaning people with padded weapons), and then pass through the ARCH OF THE RITE OF PASSAGE, which Philippe and I lovingly constructed out of PVC pipe inside a Home Depot (but that's another tale). All the while, an orchestra of kazoos (and occasionally a concertina) played Pomp & Circumstance and other such songs.
So here's a crude sketch:
And here's another crude sketch that has something to do with the right of passage (thanks to Philippe for the idea):
So as you can clearly see, it was a harrowing experience, but at the end of it all, Dave gave you a button, and you became an official adult. I think we made about 40 to 50 men and women that day. In a bow to fairness, some boys became women and some girls became men. Also, I'm honored to brag that I was the 2nd official man in all of America. The first official man, Wes, had this to say:
"I am proud to say that I am the first of the New American Men. It is a tough load to bear, but bear it I must, for all of society will look to us to blaze new trails in enlightment and comedic pursuit."
So it was a success.
Questions?
But what ever became of the ARCH OF THE RITE OF PASSAGE??
Well, I still have it. It's in several pieces, carefully stored (read: strewn about) in various portions of my dwelling, so as to prevent any accidental adulthood.
Here's me holding some pieces of it:
Notice how seductive and manly I look in that picture. Behold the POWER of the ARCH!
Will it ever be re-assembled?
It's possible. It would make a hell of a party, wouldn't it? Or maybe I'll just make my enemies walk through it before I kill them, so that they'll die with honor. Stay tuned for details.
--Roy